English funny jokes, short english jokes

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?” – Son: “My name is Paul.”

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom. To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: “Oh, you’re home, darling. I’m afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit.”

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

What is dangerous? – Sneezing while having diarrhea!

Doctor: You’re obese. Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? – The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.

Mom, where do tampons go? Where the babies come from, darling.” “In the stork?

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. “All right children, let’s take an example,” Mrs Cameron said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be? “Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, “You’d be his wife.”

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

What is the longest word in the English language? ‘Smiles’.  Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?  Because from a distance they looked like hares.

What do you do if you are driving your car in central London and you see a space man?  Park in it, of course.

What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars?  The Bureau of Missing Parsons.

Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?  He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up ?”

God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
& have a face-lift surgery, liposuction, & tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color

Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she asked,

“You said I had another 34 years to live.
Why didn’t you save me from the truck?”

(You’ll love this)

God replied:

“I couldn’t recognize you!”

In a school in Punjab, everyone was singing, “If you’re Happy and you know it, clap your hands” …

Only 3 students clapped their hands….

The rest of them were Sunny, Lucky, Pinky, Bittu, Sonu, Bunny, Guddu, Sweetie, Honey …

Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.

Husband: why three tickets?

Wife: you and your parents. 

When life is going wrong,
when relations break up, 
when sorrow engulfs you, 
when tears flow down your eyes, 
just give me a call: 
because I sell tissue papers

If eyes speak: Love.
If tears speak: Affection.
If money speaks: Greed. 
If everyone speaks: World. 
If only you speak: Mental 

Four things which brings tears to the eye:
Broken Love.
Separated Friendship.

At this very moment;
1 billion people are sleeping, 
1 million people are eating, 
1000 people are drinking, 
100 people are playing 
and 1 monkey is reading my sms.

Answer my question either YES or NO:
Do your friends know that you are mad? 

Laugh out loud throughout the day.
Dance happily without a care. 
Jump and walk happily on the streets. 
Only then will people start telling: 
Oh what a pity! became mental at such a young age. 

What’s the difference between stupid and idiot? 
Stupid will delete this joke. 
Idiot will forward this joke. 
Ha ha, what will you do now?

When you feel sad and alone,
When everyone seem to be leaving you,
when the world seems to be fading away into the mist,
please let me know: I will take you to the eye specialist for a checkup!

Close your eyes for a minute and think about yourself.
Now open your eyes:
Congratulation! You have wasted a minute of your life thinking about an idiot.

But why didn’t you tell me the good news.
I heard it from one of our friends.
Anyways Congratulation!
A TV channel has been named after you.
Animal Planet!

I saw you yesterday on the road.
Such beautiful eyes,
walking gracefully down the road,
and I started to sing;
Who let the dogs out!

It seems that a new law is coming in 2010: 
All beautiful people have to pay beauty taxes. 
Thankfully you escaped. But I didn’t! 
Ok, don’t get tensed, forward this message to your friends and have fun. 

No calls from you. 
No SMS from you. 
No emails from you. 
I am really afraid whether, 
The Dog Catchers found you again!

Most Lovable Kiss: Mother’s,
Sweetest Kiss: Girlfriend’s,
Cute Kiss: Sister’s,
Hottest Kiss: keep your lips on the bike silencer!

You are so cute my dear friend:
C: Causing.
U: Unnecessary.
T: Trouble.
E: Everywhere.